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Wednesday, February 17th, 2016
4:27 pm - Can we or not, have it all?
I read yet another article about women's work life balance and how everything related to that is highly fucked up.

It makes me so angry.

The part of those articles that passes me off the most is how these authors defend their useless husbands: he does more than the average man, he may have never made a dentist appointment, but he's a great dad. BULLSHIT.

I think I'm most angry because I myself am completely subjugated by my husband who is a renowned gender scholar who expects me to bring him beer and start every sexual interaction with a blowjob.

But that's not nearly all. We used to have an assymetric arrangement. He cooked, he worked, he took care of Luis, he blah blah etc. I drank and slept a lot. And you know what? I did more than the average man.

But this summer everything changed. I was five months pregnant (too late to have a safe and legal abortion) and he told me he was in love with someone else (a random phd student he fucked at a conference) and would leave unless I changed.

So I changed.

I was scared of being a single mom of two boys I didn't even want. I was scared of the stigma. I convinced myself I loved him. But do I? Or am I just conditioned?

And now we're "equal." I cook sometimes, I buy stuff on amazon, I sleep less, I work more, I stopped drinking (just started smoking more weed)...

I'm so angry. Why can't I have a little inequality, in women's favor, for once. I signed up for that. I thought that's what he wanted. But he trapped me and fooled me.

Shame on me.

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Friday, August 14th, 2015
2:39 pm
Things are better between us. Today he kissed me on the lips and told me he loved me. It was early in the morning though. Maybe he was just disoriented.

I just threw up. The nausea is awful. The shrink told me to take the anti-nausea medicine consistently not just when I feel nauseaus but I forgot last night and this morning. Only weed helps anyway. And I don't want to be high all the time. Plus, as much as I emphasize how there's no scientific evidence that weed is bad for the baby, it probably is. Luis is already behind. What's Gabriel going to be with all the drinking I did in the first month and all this weed?

All I had was tea. I'm at a tea bar. "working" I slept til noon today. So did Lucio. My mom and mom-in-law bitched me out for that. I know it's not good. Maybe I should just go home and lay down.

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Tuesday, May 12th, 2015
1:16 pm - Gabriel Stanislaw Reuben
He's 21 weeks actually. Kicking me all the time. I can only eat certain things, tea, broth, rice, bananas, milk. Rapid cycling. It's hard, but when you're in survival mode, you survive. Right? Day by day. I'm grading criminal justice ethics final papers. They're excellent. I want to teach the class next semester, but I'm taking maternity leave. Or am I?

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Monday, May 11th, 2015
5:37 am - Gabriel Stanislaw Reuben
He's 20 weeks in my belly. Tomorrow I see the ultrasound. But Ernesto and I are confused. We're scared we won't love him the way we love Lucio. We're scared it won't be the five of us (Linder, remember?). Ernesto fell in love with Georgina. She's a third year PhD student in Nottingham. I think she's 27. She wants to take away my kids.


That is all.

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Friday, June 29th, 2012
3:25 pm
I was wrong in the last entry - Europe was nice. I mean, yea it was boring at times, but overall it was a really nice trip and I'm already in a way looking forward to next year. Or maybe next year it won't be a trip but a move.

I'm proposing on July 12. First step. Although apparently I'm not Harvard material. I guess I already knew that for a long time. I just want a job, really, it doesn't have to be super ivy league whatever. Just like 100k, somewhere tolerable. Is that too much to ask from someone who's been sleeping 14 hours a day and drinking for the remaining 10 for the past 6 years?

I'm a bit scared and overwhelmed with Luis, but maybe I'm just at a loss for how to feel. Excitement seems so cheesy.

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Thursday, June 14th, 2012
12:24 pm
To sum up the Western Europe portion of the trip was pretty boring. It def had its moments: the afternoon in Stockholm with Ale, the Saturday in Munich with shopping, the evening in Toulouse where we had dinner just the two of us. But mostly I spent the whole time either sleeping or waiting for him to be done with work. And then after the excruciating wait (the worst part is the time between the hour he said he'd be done and the actual time when we leave) there's this either a) boring because it's with experimentalists who only talk about game theory and other shit I don't understand or b) rushed because we have to get up tomorrow or make it home dinner. The only really recreational thing we do is watch movies, which we could do a lot more pleasurably (thanks to the screen) at home. And then the one night we have dinner alone it's filled with awkward silences and him telling me that I don't take care of the apartment's appearance. Ugh.
And I sleep like 15 hours a day, it's never enough. But the truth is I'm not tired, I'm just bored. I rather dream than exist in this waiting circumstance. I rather dream than listen to econ jargon. Am I too stupid? too lazy? But somehow when we walk down the street I'm smiling and when he asks me if I'm happy I don't pause for a second before exclaiming "yes!" So maybe I am happy. Or maybe I just feel like when I'm not sleeping or waiting I have to enjoy the few hours of pleasure that I have.
I don't like it here. I don't like it in New York. I certainly don't like it in DC. The only place where I feel happy and settled is Warsaw. That's the only place. So is it enough to just be there once a year for a month? That's actually a lot. Because that's the most I can get. I made my decisions. Now there'll be Luis. There's no going back.
This weekend we're driving from Toulouse to Munich. That has potential but I'm probably just going to sleep the whole way and it's just been determined that we're going to stick to the countryside and not go to any cities, so there really won't be much to see or do. I thought about saying, no, wait, I do want to see Avignon, or Marseilles or Zurich. I've never been there. I like cities and not countryside. But I didn't want to argue, I knew my opinion has no bearing. He's going to do what he wants and that's it. Why try? It's easier just to smile and agree. He probably has some convincing reasons anyway.
I miss Linder. They keep making videos of him. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to be best friends like before. I just feel like he's not on my side.
In just a few days I'll be back in cement-boiling NYC. Maybe I just miss my friends.

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Friday, June 1st, 2012
10:03 am
Warsaw was AMAZING. As always. Although not drinking was kinda rough, but hey, it's worth it. It was nice to see everyone. I wish we could've been there longer. The plan is to do that next year. With Lucio!! And Lindzio!! Now that's gonna be ...

Now we're in Munich. I already applied for a couple of jobs. My job market paper is well on its way. Just need to spruce up the analysis. And then just fix a little here and there, perfect it. I hope it'll be good. I hope it'll get my a job. Today we talked about Bocconi. I wonder where we'll end up. I guess it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we'll be together. All of us.

I miss Linder a lot. We skype every day, but it's still not enough. We go through these "awwwww" sessions whenever we see a daschund, and whenever I see a dog I yell "Linder!!" It doesn't make any sense but it makes me feel a bit better somehow.

The food here is pretty heavy in general, especially the lunch food, and I'm on an ice cream spree. It's gonna be a challenge do drop all that weight but I'm confident. I can do it. right?

Beverages here are the bomb-junx tho. They always drink these schoerle, which is like fruit juice mixed with sparkling water (just drop a shot of vodka in there and WOW). Clearly superior to soda in every way. They have it at every restaurant and they give you huge servings (like 0,5L) so it's awesome. I'm drinking a black currant one right now (they have them bottled too).

The people here are pretty lame overall, or at least the girl who's hosting us, so we haven't socialized with others other than lunch and this one dinner. It's ok though, I don't get bored with the two of us just wandering around aimlessly and watching movies. We watch movies like every day, almost like at home, only no big screen but little laptop. There's a movie shop downstairs, so we can buy dvd's there or download them while we're at work. But the internet connection is mad slow so I think we're gonna have a little dvd collection when we leave. knowing us though, we'll leave it in the hotel room. accidentally?

Today is Friday and I ate meat. I was pretty sure it was Thursday at that point. I wonder where the extra day went. I guess it was because one day I just slept all day (woke up at 3:30pm) so I probably lost track then. I think that was Wednesday. That's very unclear.

He's jumping around like crazy these days, sometimes you can feel him on the outside but mostly it's just for me. I hope it isn't unbearable towards the end. I think it's gonna be intense.

Maybe I can write a paragraph now?

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Wednesday, May 16th, 2012
6:46 pm
So we're going to Europe on Saturday and we're not taking Linder.

So Linder is at Mi's.

But Mi works so...pys and Akemi are taking care of him! And apparently Pys & Linder are in love. There's something about that dog and men - like he hates most of them, but they feel the need to befriend him, and once he warms up, it's love and love. I wonder if pys is now going to get a dog too. I think we should have an army of dachshunds.

I can't wait to be in Warsaw.

Oh, and I set a date for my proposal. So maybe I will finally graduate?

It sucks watching people graduate these days, especially since at a big school like Columbia it's a week long process. It was supposed to be me. So many of my friends who started with me are graduating this year. And watching another class of MBAs go by is crazy. I don't even know any of them! Mannnn I can't wait to graduate. I wonder if I'll stay in academia. I really hope so. Although, sometimes I really miss Deloitte. Coffee in the MORNING, the teamwork, the satisfaction of landing that big proposal or meeting that crazy deadline, the art of transfer pricing. But then the client is the boss, the work is repetitive...UGH. We'll see I guess. The key thing is I want to make money again, I feel so useless. I don't make money, I don't cook, I can't do research independently, I'm not teaching...the only thing I can do is procreate.

And apparently raise a damn good dog.

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Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
2:53 pm
I'm so sleepy

But I think it has to do more with boredom than tiredness. When I have a project part to finish, I feel energized and focused. But most of the time I feel stunted, like, what do I do next? Even if I do anything, will it come to any use later? Is it worth it? Why don't I just take a nap?

And there's a million TV Shows.

And someone is always online.

And there's cyanide and happiness, parenntshouldnttext and absolutelymadness on tumblr...

I guess I'm not alone. A friend of mine who's in his last year because he's going corporate this summer just watches TV all day. Maybe once I get a job I'll just magically have stuff to do. Maybe I'll get up in the morning.

Or maybe Luis will help.

It's funny how it's ok to be preggie and married but not ok to be dating. Academia's just weird. Everything is. Weird. Bleh.

I wish I was cuddled up with my pillows and my dog. He's a ridiculous animal.

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Monday, April 9th, 2012
11:44 pm
Wait I have more to say.

I once said I hate social norms. Which is funny. I mean, I guess, I guess I do, you know? I mean if you had to choose a feeling about social norms...wouldn't it be hatred? No, it wouldn't. I know what it would be. It would be curiosity.

Also, I did now become fat. Well, ok. I mean, I still squeeze into my size 24 guess shorts BUT I'm no longer an XS when it's time to try on lingerie. The M was too small. So, I did become my fear. But I'm not obese, and I pretty much stabilized at like 135 lbs. Or maybe even a little less. And for 5'6'' that's not really that bad. I'm just not super skinny anymore. But that's ok. I'm gonna be a mother.

I wonder when's the next time I'll write? Will he already be outside?

I hope not. Then, later, he can read this.

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11:11 pm
Heyyyy only 4 months.

And it's not like much has happened in these 4 months that I should update on either. I mean, it's not like I got pregnant and then got married or anything. No. Oh wait. Yes!

Additionally, I may or may not have a slightly larger fan base. Which will make my writing a bit more stunted, most likely. Or I may just switch to Polish for another year or so like I did last time. We'll see how that proceeds.

I stopped going to therapy. Maybe it's because I'm seeing 8 doctors a day nowadays and taking all these additional meds, so the idea of going again, for an hour, every Monday, just seemed over the top. Or maybe it's because I'm not troubled anymore. Or maybe, like she hinted, there's something that I just don't want to talk to her about. I mean, it's not like I'm crying for no reason any less. Or maybe before I did have a reason. In any case it seems like a good decision so far. I'm feeling surprisingly not-so-crazy. Maybe it's the extra (?) hormones.

I wish I felt a passion for my research. It's blatantly clear that I don't. Or maybe it's because I'm not smart enough. There's only so much grades and test scores, and recommendations mean. In the end, I sit at these seminars and I don't understand, I try to argue and I can't explain myself. And then comes the complacence. I'm at columbia, everyone graduates, I'll get a job. Even Ryan got a job at BCG!

Luis. That's gonna be his name. We're pretty sure it's a he because of the sketchy over the counter gender test we took during my 6th week of pregnancy. That was 10 weeks ago. In a month we find out for sure. Otherwise, Andrea.

I guess I'm scared. I think that's why I wrote today. I think that's why I usually write. I think that after I have it all down on .. uhh .. screen? I'll feel like something is resolved and that I don't have to be scared anymore. I still feel scared though.

Do you feel scared? Are we justified? Can we save each other?

You never know how things will turn out until they already have. So why not just hold on and enjoy the ride? The zipline is surrounded by precious rain forests. Just look around.

It's just that it's going too fast...

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Thursday, December 8th, 2011
10:19 pm
Here we go, another 6 months with no posts.

But, yea, I still sleep 12 hours and have crazy dreams.

And my thesis isn't really further along.

And Linder is so cute.

It's just the letter isn't the same any more, and there aren't five of them. Did I stop believing in magic?

Eh, I didn't really feel like posting today anyway. I should stop reading old emails. I'm grown up now...so grown up that...yea. See?

I can't post because I live in a world of secrets but I'm also an exhibitionist.

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Tuesday, June 21st, 2011
1:52 pm
My dreams are so boring

I dreamt he shaved his beard. I dreamt I forgot to take my medicine. I dreamt my pillbox had additional features I hadn't noticed before. I dreamt Linder pooped on the carpet. I dreamt he came to visit NYC and tried to kiss me. That last one was particularly disturbing.

Maybe I should try to sleep less than 12 hours a day.

The dreams are most vivid in the snoozes.

I snooze for hours. Like for two hours. Every 9 minutes. Church bells. But what do I have to get up for? THIS? Honestly. I just don't have it in me. I'm not a scientist. I'm just a gear. I'm a gear without a machine. I don't even have a screwdriver right now.

The more I think about it the more I'm going to stay in Poland.

I'm so scared. I just want to smoke a cigarette and hush.

I don't even have it in me to write a proper entry.


<input ... ></input><input ... >
 

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Saturday, May 21st, 2011
12:23 am

It was like a firework. First a bit of sparkles, a bit of sparkles, then a *BOOM* And Maya and Moni were stomping out the sparkles going "fireworks are illegal!"

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Thursday, April 14th, 2011
1:26 am
I dcn't want this night to end

in the morning those little fuckers

she said i always remembered the little things like the dishwasher

which is why i am too trauamatized to turn it on tonight

i will tomorrow

before the golabki

this will last

wont it

maybe i shouldnt have skipped theraphy today altho he said he replaced it the seniors didnt seem to help no accent marks what are those things called that im avoiding '''''''''''''' those

my english is getting worse by the minute

i hope i can compensate by other languages

nicht deuatch

congratulations you killed your first animal

and it was a frog

was that telling?

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
7:47 pm
So I'm on the next one

the last one

I hope

Grading is supposed to suck. That's what everyone says and I gladly emulate it but the truth is that it's nice to do something mindless. I think I need something like that too. It fills time, you get paid, and it distracts you from the responsibility of actually writing a thesis, the timeline for which is closer and closer. And it's so daunting.

And I  haven't been to therapy for what feels like weeks. And I missed my session today. I have to wait until Monday. I mean I could clearly go on Friday or I couldn't gone today, just for shorter or I could've cancelled my meeting at the sociology department if I really wanted to I couldn't made it but I felt fine. I'm just confused all the time anyway. It's all a process right now. I feel like I have all these faces, so many that it feels like in the elevator I have to smile, pout, cry, gaze, glazedly, hazily, laugh, I don't even know what else, depending on who enters. Maybe I should just start taking the stairs again. Now I even take the elevator in the Duane reade. I used to say Duane reader. Before I moved to NYC.

And I'm scared. What about this passion? Is it fading? And what happens then?

Moni is having this huge birthday party for her 29th birthday. Last year of her 20s. She's not gonna have a phd or a baby by 30. I wonder who else isn't.

And who the FUCK cares.

There's an add for $5.99 pizza. That's how much like a slice of pizza costs around here. Crazy. Gotta move to the burbs. NOT.

Ok, back to grading. I just needed a distraction from the distraction.

And I used to be efficient....right?
 

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Friday, February 4th, 2011
3:05 am

It's been a while welcome. We have a guest visitor. This diary's most avid fan, although he doesn't have the address, will now give his input. But this isn't my way of saying my journal isn't going to college.

Mute it! I feel excited like my heart beats on it's own like I look at you. I can't help but to smile when you walk through that door. It's honestly really scary. Like I'm outside I'm body and I'm like a third person I'm a scientist and you break that...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2011
10:57 pm

Teatro sweet water

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010
4:25 pm
I missed another appointment today. It's her fault, she flaked. And I'm missing next Monday too cuz I'll be in DC. But I have so much to say. She suggested phone, and I suppose I could have shut the door to the office (windows!!!! and scent...and paper...and empty chair...) but I wanted to maximize the probability that my advisor would see me working. It's going really well.

I want to not censor myself but that's the problem with keeping this whole thing public.

I realized where I got that "beautiful nightmare" thing. It's beyonce. Thank you pandora.

which by the way is totally failing lately, it's playing the most random shit that I don't like and it doesn't even let me skip forever even though I'm paying for it.

i'll leave in half an hour, pick up masquerade masks and zyprexa. yum. and eat some celery. then nails, packing and ... *Drum Roll* DC!

No, I'm not excited. I don't want to go there. There's only one place I want to be. Where you are.

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Monday, December 20th, 2010
11:01 pm

And how did you know I'm so insecure about my nostrils? He made me that way.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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